An Update on the Papenberg Life

I haven't blogged in awhile, so I thought I'd take advantage of Harlee's nap time to catch up on that.  Hopefully he sleeps long enough!

I've been pretty busy lately (hence the long delay in blogging!).  Some friends and I have successfully pulled off a surprise birthday party bus for Justin and his friend Ryan who are now at the ripe old age of 30 :) and it was a much-needed BLAST.  I've kind of been planning this since Justin turned 29, and then I got Ryan's girlfriend and some other friends in on it shortly thereafter, and we went all out with personalized t-shirts and bus decorations and crazy birthday hats and buttons and sashes that the guys happily wore all night long.  It was awesome!

It was Harlee's first sleepover too... he stayed at my mom and dad's, and mom reported that while he did pretty well with his first overnight trip away from us, my she was a little sleep deprived... Harlee sported his "What Happens at Grandma's Stays at Grandma's" shirt the next day too... I, on the other hand, felt GREAT (and fortunately not hungover).  I love co-sleeping, but it sure was nice to have one little break to sleep all through the night just me and the hubby.

Yes, we're still co-sleeping.  I get asked that a handful of times, along with being told that's going to be a hard habit to break.  I hope not, but I've decided not to worry about it.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.  It's working for us, as it has been since he was born.  I'm not sleep-deprived (except for those few nights during this teething period that he's gotten up WAY more than I prefer), it's actually much easier having him in bed because when he does wake up wanting to eat I don't actually have to get out of bed to tend to him.  Plus, he's not going to be little forever.  I want to take advantage of having this snuggly little thing next to me as much as I can, because he soon enough he won't be snuggly and little anymore.  The one thing I've heard the most from parents is that time goes by way too fast.  First you've got this tiny newborn in your arms and before you know it they're asking for the car keys.  So many parents are so sad to see their kids grow up so fast, or cry on their first day of school, and I don't want to be like that.  I want to embrace every passing stage and phase that he goes through and build up as many fond memories as I can during each one.  I've had myself braced since the day he was born for time to fly by, and I think it's helped.  He's six months old, and that actually feels about right, rather than "Oh my god where did the time go??"  I don't feel like I missed anything, I don't feel sad that he's growing so fast, I feel like we're just where we need to be.  I was excited when he learned to roll over, I'm excited that he can sit up now, and I'm super excited to start him on solids next week (although I'm not excited about the stinky poop that comes with that...).

Nope, he's still not on solids.  That seems kind of odd, beings most babies are on some sort of solids at three-four months lately, but I guess it's kind of rare that they're breastfed past that time too.  I know everyone's case is different, but I'm beginning to think I'm one of very few moms left still breastfeeding, which is odd because really I'm still in the beginning of it.  That's another thing I get asked a lot - "Are you still breastfeeding?"  Sadly, I've been asked that since he was three months...  Yes, I'm still breastfeeding - I brought him into this world, I should probably keep him fed while he's here, huh?  I hope to still be breastfeeding when he's a year, too.  Just because he's eating big people food doesn't mean he should be done breastfeeding - I've got the best nutrition for him right now, and he needs to be supplemented with that probably for the first two years of his life.  I don't know if I'll nurse that long, though - I figure I'll play it by ear after he's a year.  Breastfeeding can definitely be hard and demanding, like on the party bus this weekend, having to take a break to pump isn't really the most fun, but it's worth it.

I guess sometime soon I need to find an ideal blender, either one specifically for baby food or a regular blender that I can use for baby food as well.  I'm excited to start making my own baby food.  It seems easy enough, and much cheaper!  Plus a lot more trustworthy - I like having complete control over what's in it and what my kid consumes.  I've had my eye on the Baby Bullet, but there's a handful of other blenders out there too.  Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

Speaking of saving money by making our own baby food, oh my goodness do I love cloth diapering!  That's been our biggest money-saver so far!  I'm sooooo glad we switched.  I went on GreenMountainDiapers.com and ordered the Thirsties Duo wrap and I love it - I now have 8 of them and that lasts us for 2-3 days - and I use their Cloth-eez Prefold Diapers inside the Thirsties cover - only folded in thirds too, so I don't need to fumble around with folding and pinning and all that.  You can, but you don't have to.  I got two dozen of those.  I change out the prefold when I change him, and the cover can usually be used about 2-3 times.  No leaks, and best of all no blow-outs (and if anyone follows me on Facebook and remembers my posts from before our cloth diaper days, Harlee had LOTS of blow-outs and that's just a nasty mess that I don't think anyone cares to deal with!).  It's so easy, nothing like what our grandparents messed with when they were using cloth diapers.  Much better for the environment too :).  And they're super cute!

 He's pretty cute, too :)  And laundry isn't bad at all - that seems to be a lot of people's concern.  Since he's not on solids yet I don't have to rinse anything - I just dump them all into the wash, run a rinse cycle on cold to flush them out, and then a full cycle on hot to clean them.  Voila!  When he is on solids, though, I'll be investing in some rice paper liners from Cotton Babies.  They collect the mess, you dump those into the toilet and flush - they're natural and biodegradable so no worries there, and go about washing like usual.

Alright, well, kiddo is awake so I'm going to go play with him.  Here's one more picture of the cutie pie though:

Photos courtesy of Be Lovely Photography, which were taken at our house yesterday.  He did soooooo good, we had such a great time!  JJ makes it a lot of fun anyway, she's become more of a friend than our photographer!

Short and Sweet

Well, I just got done getting all of our current bills taken care of (a great feeling that'll last probably until Monday when a new one arrives in the mail) and I've got an hour to spare before my grandma arrives to sit with Harlee so I can take care of THREE back-to-back clients.  THREE.  It's kinda funny that I'm slightly overwhelmed by this, when a year and half ago I was taking like five or six back to back... But after a pregnancy of reduced work load and then a maternity leave and now easing back into the swing of things, three in a row is a lot!  Especially considering I won't be getting home until after 8...  This momma's gonna need to pump big time!  Well, after snuggles and kisses with little man, first :).  I count my blessings every day I'm at work - I love my job, I love what I do, I love helping people, and I LOVE being my own boss.  Right now that might be the best thing about it (with helping people being a close runner-up).  Being in complete control of my business allows me the liberty to schedule people around my time with Harlee, so I don't have to feel guilty being away from him too much but I can still continue to do what I love work-wise.  It's the best of both worlds and I love it.  Unfortunately I booked myself in so much that I don't know how I'm going to find time to work in baking, and I'm so excited to get on that!  I didn't get to last year as I was pregnant and for some reason the thought of anything sweet made me sick...  Not really a bad problem to have though!  And now that Mr. Harlee is here I'm so in the Christmas spirit I don't know what to do with myself!  I've had the tree up since Thanksgiving, I'm humming Christmas carols, I've got my shopping done (almost)...  Amazing what having a baby in the house can do!  Now I just need cookies to add in and I'm good to go!


Well Harlee woke up so I guess this post will have to be short and sweet.  I was going to share an excerpt from my Massage Magazine about doulas but I'll save it for next time.  Until then... Happy weekend!

Picking up the Pieces

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  I’ve had a few opportunities to write present themselves through the past four months, and I’ve had plenty of ideas of things I wanted to write about, but I just wind up putting it off.  Probably because I’ve been having such a hard time dealing with Harlee’s birth outcome.  I’ll be honest, because I feel strong enough that I can be now – his birth tore me up.  Physically, obviously, but probably more so mentally.  It’s amazing how many moms I’ve talked to, though, who wholeheartedly know how I feel when I say I feel like I’ve turned into a crazy person.  Baby blues is pretty common, but I think most of us like to try to hide it and put on an appearance of strength that we hope everyone will buy into.  I know I did.  I didn’t want anyone to know how poorly I was handling everything, but the more I hid it, the farther and farther I slipped.  Postpartum depression is a serious thing.  It’s scary, it’s painful, and it’s just plain hard.  When Harlee reached about two months old and I realized I wasn’t getting any better I finally sucked it up and sought counseling, and I went weekly for the past two months trying to figure out how to pull myself together and accept the outcome of Harlee’s birth for what it was, even if I still don’t know the reason for it.  I think I’ve been avoiding blogging because I didn’t want to have to admit that I’ve been going to counseling, but now that I feel so much better from it, and after speaking with other mothers who’ve gone through similar feelings after having their babies (ideally and not ideally)  and realizing I’m really not alone, I’m okay admitting it.  And I think everyone who’s gone through what I’ve gone through emotionally should know that it’s okay to seek help.

It’s still hard to think about how everything turned out.  For the longest time I’d find myself feeling slightly resentful of women who got to have their babies naturally, and even worse I’d get so. ANGRY. when I find out that they’d get an epidural too.  I know most people don’t understand this, but the memory of that epidural keeps me up at night, and sometimes even gives me nightmares.  That was probably one of the worst things that happened in the course of events that took place the night of Harlee’s arrival.  I wanted so badly to feel everything, even though labor hurt like hell, and it was all taken away from me.  Then I hear about other women choosing to get them (and yes, I understand why, because holy moly is labor painful) and I’ve honestly just wanted to shake them and shout, “Do you know how lucky you are!!??  You get to experience the birth of your child first-hand, you get to FEEL his or her arrival into this world, the biggest event in your female life, and you’re NUMBING yourself to it??” and it would just make me so angry because I WANTED to feel it and I didn’t get to.  I know this is an unfair way to think, because like I said, I FELT how painful labor is, and without proper help and coaching, I can certainly see why women just simply can’t take it anymore.  Which is why I’m a huge advocate for doulas now.  Having someone there (other than your husband) who GETS it and knows how to talk you through it makes a HUGE difference.  I went from thinking I was dying before my midwife arrived to feeling in control of the pain and excited and peaceful with every wave when she did arrive (she’s a doula too, by the way).  It was incredible.  Yes, it still hurt, but it was a positive experience.  I was getting that much closer to meeting my baby with every one, and that was so empowering.  Girls, if you ever want to have a natural childbirth, HIRE A DOULA.  I can’t stress that enough.  You don’t need drugs when you have proper support.

Anyway.  I’ve gotten better.  I can now feel happy for women who get to have their babies naturally, and proud of the mommas I know who had successful homebirths, rather than resentful.  Another thing that helps is thinking about how everything happens for a reason.  I truly believe that.  My counselor reminded me that sometimes bad things happen to good people, like car accidents or tornadoes or fires, and these things are just out of our control.  This necessary c-section is in that category.  I couldn’t help that Harlee was asynclitic, and since my water had broken already he just didn’t have the buoyancy to correct himself, and it had been broken for so long we really couldn’t do much more.  His heart rate was dropping dangerously, and I should be grateful we had the means to get him out alive.  And I am.  But it takes two to tango, and while Harlee is fine, I wasn’t.  But as I was saying, my counselor helped me by reminding me too that everything happens for a reason, even if we can’t see those reasons right now.  And after categorizing this turn of events with car accidents and natural disasters, I was reminded of my husband, another case of bad things happening to good people.  His father died when my husband was only 17.  I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for him to deal with, especially at such a pivotal age of self-discovery and growth.  To lose someone that close to you during that time in your life, and really any time in life, can be earth-shattering, and how do you pick up the pieces from that?  But he did.  And I really think that losing his father molded his personality into what it is today – it caused him to make decisions he may not have if that hadn’t happened, and it led him in a direction that I really do believe, ultimately, led to me.  And the way his personality was molded from that event I think is what made us so compatible.  And now he’s happily married with a beautiful baby boy, something he’s always wanted.  So, it took eleven years, but something good came of something tragic.  And that really opened my eyes.  Somehow, this trauma I endured will lead me to something wonderful.  Of course having Harlee here alive and healthy is wonderful in and of itself, don’t get me wrong, but like I said before it takes two to tango.  There’s the “mom” side of me, and the “Jami” side, and while the mom-me is happy with a healthy baby, the Jami-me and is not happy with what happened to her personally and physically.  I don’t know if that makes sense, but I don’t know how else to explain it.

Along with counseling I’ve joined two support groups.  One is ICAN – International Cesarean Awareness Network – which is a wonderful organization that works to educate women on the risks and dangers of cesarean birth and how to avoid unnecessary ones.  I’m really glad I started going there – being around other women who KNOW what I’ve gone through and can relate, plus who have had VBACs as well, gives me strength and a sense of hope.  I’ve also joined a small group for homebirth moms who had to transfer to the hospital, which is a group my doula started.  It’s wonderful, because not many people share the dream I had to birth my baby into the safety and sanctity of our own home, much less understand it.  But these girls do, and also share in my hurt and grief in having to lose that dream.

So, slowly but surely, I’m picking up the pieces of my shattered world and continuing on, and it really has been great.  Harlee is such a wonderful baby, and I count my blessings every day that he’s so healthy, so strong, and so happy.  Breastfeeding is still going well too, and like I said in my last post, I feel good that I’m at least capable of doing SOMEthing my body is designed to do, even if I couldn’t birth him naturally.  He’s learned to roll over, he’s sitting supported really well, he’s laughing, and he’s just so darn cute!  Justin’s been wonderful too.  He’s been so patient with me in my period of grief (and believe me, I haven’t been the nicest person to him sometimes…) and he’s really been an inspiration too, because like I said, he knows what it’s like to lose something so dear to your heart, and he’s had his world shattered, and he’s picked up the pieces and grown from it in a positive way.  And I can too.

 My sweet baby boy :)

Photo taken by Be Lovely Photography

The best laid plans of mommies and babies...

So I'm finally finding the time to update this and fill everyone in on our crazy adventure of Harlee's grand entrance into the world.  Which, as all of my Facebook friends can tell by the pictures posted, did NOT go as planned at all.  That's babies for ya, right?  Our childbirth instructor put a slinky in our goodie boxes for class as a reminder to always be flexible, as birth is something you have no control over.  Boy was she right.

I had been having prodromal labor contractions ever since Friday the 15th (I kinda think that was brought on by the full moon) - I'd have rhythmic contractions at night til I went to bed and then they'd stop.  Each day they'd come a little earlier, get a little stronger, but still stop by the time I went to bed.  Very frustrating - it felt like my body was "crying wolf" - getting me excited that I was finally going into labor, only to find out we're still just practicing.  Piled on with the fact that I was past my due date, I was getting very anxious and aggravated!  I was trying things like eating labor cookies I found a recipe for online (they weren't very good) and bouncing on my yoga ball and riding bikes with Justin and rubbing pressure points on my feet and ankles, but nothing seemed to be working.  I kept thinking about my grandma and how her pregnancies lasted 10 months... was that hereditary?  It was beginning to seem like it.

That following Thursday, the 21st, I had good strong contractions starting in the morning, which was new, and they were consistently 10 minutes apart.  I had made an acupuncture appointment to help move things along, so I had my mom drive me to that to be safe, and then I saw the chiropractor that evening.  Anything to get this party started!  Then finally that night the contractions really hit hard - hard enough to make me forget everything I learned in childbirth class for pain coping!  At 4am the contractions were so hard I threw up, causing my water to break, so I sent our midwife a text message to let her know that I think this is finally it!  She came over that morning and very effectively talked me through managing the contractions, and I felt a lot better.  It's amazing how much a little support and encouragement can make a difference.  I honestly didn't expect contractions to be as intense as they were.  Of course I wasn't expecting them to be a walk in the park, but oh. my. god. they were like nothing I'd ever felt before.  With her help, though, I felt so much better.  Of course they were still intense, but I could manage them, and that was a very empowering feeling.  I even smiled through my next intense one, knowing that yes, I can do this!  And we'll be meeting Harlee that much sooner!  It wasn't long before contractions were five minutes apart.  I managed to sleep a little bit between each one, but for some reason I woke up later to the contractions being back to 10 minutes apart.  Our midwife continued to monitor me and we tried different techniques to get labor sped back up again, but nothing worked.  At around 3 we listened to baby's heartbeat during a contraction and noticed that it slowed down significantly towards the end of the contraction, and then recovered shortly thereafter to a normal speed again.  She didn't like how that sounded, and suggested we go immediately to St. Elizabeth's Hospital in Belleville, which is the closest hospital with labor & delivery that we could get to.  Because of Illinois' stupid laws about CPMs assisting home births, she couldn't go with us, so instead her assistant met us there and acted as our doula.  Justin and I were in a kind of fog on the way up there... all I could think about was "What's happening?"  This turn of events threw me off - I wasn't prepared to deal with a hospital, especially after all the work I'd done to avoid going to one!  I was worried that being in that environment would cause my labor to slow down even more, or stop, which wouldn't be good since my water had already broken.  I tried to remain calm and think positive - we'd go in there, get electronic fetal monitoring done, find out what the problem is, find out there ISN'T a problem, and come home.  Everything would be fine!

We were pleasantly surprised when we entered Emergency - the receptionist (or whatever his title was) didn't give us any trouble when we said we were planning a home birth but our midwife detected a decel in his heart rate during contractions so we wanted electronic fetal monitoring.  He kindly sent us to outpatient registration and off we went.  Whew!  I was braced for an argument, especially after announcing we were trying to birth at home!  Outpatient registration went well also, the woman who helped us there was also very courteous and even said that we should be able to go back home if everything looked good.  Wow!  So far so good!  Our doula met us there and was also surprised at how smoothly things were going.  We went to our room and I was hooked up to electronic fetal monitoring right away, and sure enough each contraction I had displayed a drop in his heart rate.  The nurse we had was awesome - she was 100% on our side for having a natural birth and was prepared to do what she could to help us achieve that, preferably at home!  We were totally respected with every wish we had - no interventions (besides the monitoring of course), no internal exams (which they agreed was unwise anyway since my water had broken), and anything else that came up.  I was feeling more and more relieved in our situation.  Maybe this was meant to happen to prove to me that it is possible to find people in hospitals who aren't just out for money, but instead are there to aid another human being.  Granted I did have to deal with some annoying residents who ambushed me a few times.  I took my GBS test with my midwife and therefore didn't have any paperwork on it because of the legal issue, and the residents felt it was necessary to lecture me on the dangers of being GBS positive, even after I insisted I was negative.  That was rather annoying.  But all I need to do was tell my main nurse that I would prefer not to see them in my room anymore and that was that :).

So for what seemed like hours I continued having contractions that showed a decel in Harlee's heart rate toward the end of each one, but he picked right back up again afterwards.  I tried all kinds of different positions during each contraction, but nothing seemed to help his heart rate improve.  Our doula had to get back to her little boy, so rather than leaving us there alone all night she called her friend, who happened to be our childbirth class instructor and a doula herself, to come stay with us instead.  We were so grateful for both of their support, it made such a huge difference to have someone there both for support and also as a voice of reason as we were faced with so many different questions and choices.  Both of the doulas and our midwife all were surprised at this point that nobody tried to rush me off to a c-section after seeing the heart rate decels, which was another comfort to me - the staff really was trying to honor my wishes for a natural birth.  So long as little Harlee was making good, full recoveries after each contraction, we were in the clear.

Laboring with daddy, all hooked up to monitors...

After a long night of contractions and no improvement in baby, it was looking inevitable that the home birth we had hoped for was no longer the plan, and our baby would be born at the hospital.  The staff remained respectful of our wishes, honoring the fact that we wanted little to no interventions and to have the most natural birthing experience possible, as close to the home environment we were hoping for.  Saturday was a long day, trying different positions and praying for his heart rate to pick back up.  My labor patterns had lost all consistency, yet I was dilated to a 7 later in the afternoon (I ended up agreeing to being checked - curiosity was getting the better of me as to what the progress was).  Everyone found it odd that my dilation was showing I was in active labor but I clearly wasn't according to my contraction patterns.  We discussed all kinds of different options and tried different things to get labor to pick back up.  Stimulation with a breast pump was one of them, and I did have a few more contractions but the baby wasn't handling it well.  We talked about inducing with Pitocin, but the more his heart rate decelerated the more we worried that pitocin-induced contractions would only make things worse.  We had no idea what was going on, if maybe his cord was in the way and each time I contracted it got pinched, and with my water having broken there was no cushion, but there was no way to tell.  It was getting critical too because my water had been broken for way too long.  I had no idea what to expect next, but the staff continued to work with us and stay within our wishes to keep things natural and non-invasive, but at this point I was more than willing to sacrifice my wishes for the safety of the baby.  Our doula had stayed with us this whole time, and I can't even find words to express how grateful I am for that.  It was such a scary experience, wondering what was happening with our baby, wondering what to do next, wondering if our choices would be the right ones... All I wanted to do at several points along the way was cry... and Justin and I did quite a bit of that together.  He kept telling me all he wanted was us to be safe and healthy, all he wanted was everything to be okay.  I agreed, all I wanted was for Harlee to arrive safely, no matter how it was that he got here.  We wanted him out of me and in our arms as soon as possible - the contractions and his heart rate were scaring us more and more.  It was so hard.  We ran an ultrasound to be certain his head was down, which it was, and the staff decided to call in an older doctor that had years and years of experience and who they trusted more with a situation like this, and also trusted to help us make the right decision for what to do and honor our hopes and desires for the outcome of the birth.  He came in and talked with us, and expressed his feelings about how a cesarean would be the ultimate last resort and we'd try what we could to help labor get into a normal pattern and get this kid out naturally.  He suggested internal fetal monitoring, and once we had a better idea of what was going on we'd decide on inducing with Pitocin again.  An epidural was suggested to me, and c-section was lingering in the back of my mind (causing more tears).  After much thought, and having wanted to avoid an epidural at all costs originally, we decided maybe it was best because I was actually fighting every hard contraction that hit me, no matter how hard I tried to relax and cope.  The mild contractions were easier to relax through, and those were the ones that didn't show much of a heart rate decel.  So I decided an epidural would ensure relaxation during contractions and possibly give my baby a chance to recover.  So I got one, and it totally sucked.  I hated that thing, everything about getting it and everything about having it in.  If everything were going normal I would have much rather dealt with labor all the way to the birth rather than be numbed to it.  But once it took effect, I was able to relax during contractions, and that at least eased my mind for my baby's sake.  Next came the internal monitor, first inserting the probe into his head (which I felt SO. BAD. about, poor little guy jammed his foot into my ribs when it was inserted) and then the monitor in next to him.  This gave us a much more accurate reading, and after a few more contractions that I didn't feel, the doctor said he couldn't, in good conscience, allow me to be put on pitocin.  The baby was not doing well at all with contractions, even with me relaxed during them, and it was taking longer and longer for him to recover after each one.  I finally said out loud I'll do anything to get him out asap so he's not suffering anymore, I was sincerely concerned about him and had been the whole day, and I admitted that I'll even do a c-section if we had exhausted all other options, just so long as he's safe.  Turns out that's what had to be done, we had truly exhausted all our options, and nobody felt comfortable letting it go on any longer.  That was pretty scary, and Justin and I cried even more together before I was taken away to get prepped.  I was in such a fog, I NEVER imagined I would have wound up where I was then, but I was so grateful everyone worked with me so closely and diligently to try to achieve a safe vaginal birth.  I felt that this truly was the best option for us, and despite the fact that this was the last thing I ever wanted for my baby or myself, I could at least be at peace that we really had no other choice and we did the right thing, and I wouldn't have to ever wonder "what if?".

Justin stayed with me through the whole thing.  I was still in such a fog about it all that I was actually in a perfect state of mind to stay distracted from what was happening.  I felt the tugging and pulling, and once the doctor got his hands on the baby he announced that there was no way he'd be coming through naturally if we tried, his head was in such an awkward, crooked position.  Seemed as though the decelerated heart rate was due to the contractions shoving his head into my pelvis in all the wrong ways, and with no fluid to cushion the blow.  Poor little guy!   I felt the weight lifted from me as they pulled our little guy into the world, and I forgot about everything that had happened and everything we went through once I heard his first miraculous little cry.  That was a truly incredible feeling.  He was okay!  And he was finally here!  What a relief.

 Little Harlee and his poor little head...

They showed him to me right away, and Justin stayed with him as they took him to get cleaned up and checked on.  They respected our wishes to not give him any eye ointment, but we did agree to the vitamin K shot after all the stress his head went through.  He didn't get any other shots, and they asked us before they did anything else like weighing and measuring him, which we also agreed to but I greatly appreciated that they bothered to ask our permission for something as simple as that.  The room they did this in was wide open for me to watch everything that was going on.  They made it fun for us, and also distracted me as the doctors put me back together, asking us to guess his weight and length.  Harlee Dennis Papenberg weighed 7lbs 6oz, and was 20.5 inches long, born at 7:31pm (which adds up to 11, our lucky number...).  Justin brought him over to me, and I got to give him his first kisses.  It wasn't how I had hoped to greet him into this world, but it was still amazing and special.  He was beautiful, and perfect, and HERE, safe and healthy.

Eyes open for the first time

Our Family

Finally I was finished and got wheeled back to our room where our doula finally got the relieving news that everything was okay, and I got to feed him for the first time (which was awkward with the lower half of my body being completely numb...).  But despite the numbness and awkward positioning, he latched on like a pro after a little help from our doula and made me feel like I knew exactly what I was doing!  Yay!  So proud of little Harlee :).  It felt great to be so successful with feeding him - after our natural birth plans completely fell through I was definitely bummed that I didn't get to experience something my body was built to do, even though I'd accepted the fact that there was no way around this.  Being able to feed my baby the way nature intended definitely helped make up for some of that feeling of loss.

Unfortunately we had to stay at the hospital for quite some time to make sure I healed and recovered well.  The doctor was concerned about possible infections because my water had been broken for so long, too, so I was monitored for that as well.  Seemed as though everything was fine until Monday the 25th, the day we were going to be discharged, when I spiked a fever.  We went back and forth wondering if maybe my milk was coming in, or maybe it was just my hormones trying to balance out after everything that happened, but ultimately we decided better to be safe than sorry and they put me on antibiotics and kept me for another day.  Luckily these didn't interfere with breastfeeding, so I was able to continue on with that.  My fever went away since that afternoon, but it spiked again at night, so we all agreed that okay, something's up.  The doctor came in Tuesday morning and said he feels it's endometriitis, an infection of the uterine wall, caused by bacteria being introduced to it after my water had been broken.  Thank goodness Harlee didn't have any trouble, I'd rather this be me than him.  Unfortunately my fever spiked again Tuesday evening, so I was stuck there for ANOTHER 24 hours.  Wednesday I was a completely hormonal and emotional wreck.  I spent the majority of the morning and afternoon crying.  I was just so overwhelmed with everything, but my main issue was not being able to just go home.  I wanted to settle in with my family in my own environment without any interruptions from doctors or nurses and just start life as the three of us.  As if by some odd twist of fate my doctor sent in a woman to talk to me, who happened to be a Healing Touch and Reiki practitioner, and she used some of her energy work techniques to help ease my stress, which helped out a lot and also renewed my faith that everything is going to be okay.

So that's pretty much my birth story - not at all the story I thought I'd be telling.  I'll admit I did and still do mourn the fact that I missed out on experiencing birth the way nature intended, especially after building up so much excitement about it in myself prior to the big event.  I keep wondering why, what's the reason for things to go completely opposite from how I hoped they'd go?  What kind of lesson am I supposed to pull out of this?  Or how will this experience affect my life in the future?  I believe everything happens for a reason.  But sometimes those reasons just aren't clear, and that can be very frustrating.  But I will say my experience was very humbling.  You can't plan anything, and you really have no control.  I still believe birth is natural, and I still believe it's not something that should happen in a hospital, as hospitals are meant for situations when things aren't going well or right.  And modern medicine still frustrates me, but I've seen first-hand in friends and relatives that it has its place.  But this time I guess it was my turn to experience it first-hand, and I got to be one of the cases where birth needs to happen in a hospital, because in my case something went wrong.  It totally sucks, but I'm really grateful that we were there and that Harlee was delivered safely and is healthy and doing well, which is all that matters in the end.  I'm also really grateful that we got to work with such compassionate people - I've never encountered that at any hospital before.  I guess that's another lesson I got out of this experience - there's hope for humanity in the medical field.  Not everyone is out for money and power, and it's not all about fear of lawsuits.  There really are kind, caring people out there who genuinely want to help, and I'm really grateful I ran into a group of them.


And now back to snuggling with my little man, who couldn't be more perfect and I couldn't be happier to have him in our family.  I'm so excited to be starting this new chapter in life, and I'm starting it with a completely different outlook - go with the flow and have no expectations, and be flexible!

Labor Snacks... and something to do with our massive amounts of zucchini!

I'm switching it up a bit and posting a food blog.  Yesterday was one of my first full days of maternity leave, so I decided to spend it baking rather than cleaning house like I intended... shh don't tell Justin :).  Our garden isn't doing the greatest this year because of the weather the way it's been, but our zucchini and squash plants are thriving and spewing out fruits the size of my leg overnight.

I decided to make bread and muffins, a) because I love it, and b) because I figured it would make great labor snacks for me and also for Justin and our midwives.  I read in a few different places that a woman in labor burns an amount of calories equivalent to a fifty-mile hike.  Yikes!  Yeah, I think I'm gonna need some nourishment during this event.  Why a lot of hospitals don't let laboring women eat or drink is beyond me...  But that's beside the point!

So I got creative with a recipe I found online and changed it up so much that I now feel comfortable calling it my own.  So I decided to share it with you, horray!

Jami's Zucchini Muffins

Ingredients:
3 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp baking powder
1 tbsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
3 eggs
1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
3 tsp vanilla extract
1 tbsp honey
1 cup vegetable oil
3 cups grated zucchini
  ~optional:
1-2 cup(s) chocolate chips (I prefer Ghiradelli, mmmm)
     or
2 cup(s) chopped walnuts or pecans
     or
1-2 cup(s) mix of raisins, dried cranberries, dried cherries, granola, nuts of your choice  (I had a bag of "Energy Trail Mix" at home that had all these things in it and I decided to throw it into a batch of muffins.  Fortunately it ended up tasting great!)

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
2. Sift together flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and nutmeg.
3. Beat eggs.  Add and mix well sugars, vanilla, honey, and oil.  Add zucchini to the wet ingredients.  4. Add the dry ingredients and mix well.  Stir in your choice of optional ingredients - my favorite are the chocolate chips and pecans!
5. Pour into non-stick muffin cups or mini loaf pans.  Bake for 30 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean.  Mine actually are done in about 20-25 minutes, but that's because my oven runs hot.  The mini loaves usually take longer, but I haven't really gauged the time yet, I just keep my eye on them until I can stick a knife in and pull it out clean.
Enjoy!


... or Step 6, go into labor, and eat them all!  Well, I haven't followed that step yet, but hopefully it's just around the corner.  And I probably shouldn't eat them all, since I have over three dozen muffins and about 8 loaves already.  And about 10 more zucchinis/squashes to do something with.  By the way, smooth yellow squash is interchangeable with the green zucchini, so if you have more of one or the other either one works in the bread.

That's all for now, happy baking!

We're in the Home Stretch!

Well, yesterday marked exactly one month til the due date... I can't believe how quickly this flew by!  I remember before I got pregnant I would say things like these would be the slowest nine months of my life because I would absolutely hate it and I'd make the worst pregnant person ever.  I'm so glad I was wrong!  It turned out to be a lot easier than I thought, and in some ways kinda fun!  I haven't let it hinder my lifestyle too much - it's really hard not being able to do simple things like pick something up off the floor or lift/move large objects, but other than that I've gone to my fair share of wedding receptions and danced all night, I've still gone out with friends and had some great times, and still been my same old self for the most part.  It's odd though because while I feel I haven't changed that much, there are still some of those friends that have just completely vanished from my life since I got pregnant... but I've learned from other "pregos" and new mamas that that happens to all of us - you really do learn who your true friends are.  Somehow I'm okay with it... I've gotten to the point where nothing is more important to me than my new family now.

So pregnancy isn't a bad experience after all, but there are those who have told me I'm going to miss it when it's over.  I'm beginning to find that oddly enough I'm a minority in thinking that's crazy, how could I miss this?  While these past eight months have been fairly easy for me, I can't see myself missing not being able to lean forward or bend down comfortably, walk comfortably, lift things, the swollen feet, the swollen EVERYthing, this large protrusion in the way of everything I try to reach for, getting easily exhausted, not being able to lay on my belly, having to pee all the time, etc., etc., etc.... Yeah, I am to the point where I can honestly say I'm done doing this now.  It's been an amazing journey and an incredible learning experience, but I'm kinda worn out.  And I can relate to those that say they love being pregnant, but I can't understand missing it... I don't believe you!! haha :)  But, regardless, I am taking into consideration the words of the people who say they do miss it, and I'm trying to savor these final days of pregnancy rather than complain about them too much.  I'm especially savoring all his kicking and stretching and wiggling, as that is definitely a very cool experience, and might possibly be the ONLY part I might find myself "missing" when it's over.  But it's just going to be so much cooler to WATCH him kicking and stretching and wiggling on the outside, though! :)

Since Father's Day is this Sunday I wanted to give a little shout-out to dads too.  Those of us gals who are able to say their children have a good one are truly blessed!  I'm including myself in that category for sure, heck I'll run for president of the Wives with Husbands who are Great Dads Club!  Harlee isn't even technically here yet and Justin has already proven to be an awesome dad.  I can't get over how fortunate I am...  It's fun to hear different people's remarks about how Justin might just have more of a "pregnancy glow" than I do, and how he's just so excited and whips out ultrasound pictures every chance he gets everywhere he goes, and all the other good things people have to say about him whenever they run into him out and about.  And it's true at home too.  He's been so involved in this journey with me every step of the way, it's like I truly got to share this pregnancy with him and it was a team effort, rather than just me doing all the work.  I think that's one of the major reasons I've enjoyed being pregnant, too.  At first, before I really wrapped my head around everything, I was kinda bitter that we women really get the "shaft" - we have to alter our lifestyles, our bodies have to change drastically, our hormones have to be thrown completely out of whack, and what do men have to do?  Sit back and watch and continue on as normal.  Well I quickly found out that Justin wasn't just going to sit back and watch.  Heck, he's even got some of his own stretch marks on his "sympathy belly" to match mine! :)  Thanks to him, my mindset quickly shifted into a more positive one, and I've been able to look at this as the incredible journey that it is, and consider myself lucky that I get to embark on it, rather than continue to feel bitter about it.  I'm definitely very blessed to have such a fantastic partner, and Harlee and any future sibling he may have is very blessed to have him as a daddy.  He's planning on taking at least two weeks off from work after Harlee is born to stay home and help out, and while I'm bracing myself for these to be the hardest weeks of my life as we adjust to caring for a newborn, I'm still really looking forward to them.  It'll just be another step in the journey, another chapter in our book, and another opportunity for me to step back and look at my life and say, yes, I'm really lucky.  And to all you women who can relate to what I'm saying, high five!  We sure know how to pick 'em! :) ♥

Taking Responsibility

So I'm sitting here on the couch watching Harlee squirm and stretch from the inside, daydreaming about the day he'll be doing that on the outside, wondering what he'll look like and sound like and feel like in my arms...  I can't believe the due date is only 7 weeks away!!  And he could even arrive sooner than that!  I've read statistics that pregnant women who take Juice Plus throughout their pregnancy as their prenatal "vitamins" usually always carry their babies to term, meaning 37-40 weeks, and usually not any later.  I've been taking it regularly, and loving it too I must say - I really believe I owe my easy, healthy pregnancy to it!  I'm considering getting into selling it too, but that'll come later on... I've got way too many other things to think about!  Like the arrival of this child and the fact that 7 weeks is not a lot of time, especially considering that it could be less than that.  I also read that women who get regular chiropractic adjustments throughout pregnancy usually don't wind up carrying late either.  Well I've been going weekly since January, and I really think that's contributing to how good I feel too!  Harlee's head down and ready to go, so my fears of him being breech are at ease.  I'm also excited because I've learned that the spinal nerves that feed the uterus have the chance to be much more open and functioning at their best when the vertebrae surrounding them are in proper alignment, resulting in quicker, easier labors.  Horray!  I really hope that holds true!

I read an awesome line from Painless Childbirth by Guiditta Tornetta that I want to share:

     God would not have made you capable of bringing into this world a child if the only way to do it was through excruciating pain.  Birth is our Divine right; it is the one moment when every woman becomes one with the Creator.  Focusing on this oneness with God in any occasion will allow the sensation of pain to dissipate because there can't be pain where God is.

How beautiful is that?  It just gave me that much more confidence that yes, of course I can do this!  Anyone can do this!  We were created to do this!  And I'm honored to have the opportunity to experience it in its fullest.

Last night Justin and I did our homework for our childbirth class, Naturally Prepared, which is a class designed for parents planning an out-of-hospital birth.  I love this class because we don't focus on what drugs are available or talk about any hospital procedures, instead we get an education on the hormones that are at work in a laboring body and the muscles responding to them and different ways to work together as partners to birth our baby easily and smoothly.  I'm so blessed to have found this class.  And as I was saying, we have homework each week, which has become an excellent bonding experience for Justin and I, giving us the chance to talk about our expectations and desires and even fears (sure beats sitting in front of the TV watching the Outdoor Channel!!).  This week our homework was to watch Orgasmic Birth, a documentary on women who have transcended the element of pain in their birthing experience, and why that's possible.  You probably just read that title and said, "Oh my, what a bold title for a documentary..." or something to that effect.  Or at least that's how I responded when I first heard about it!  "Orgasmic" birth?  That might be a bit over the top!  But no, it was actually very beautifully put together, and talked about how your baby should be birthed into the world the same way he or she was created - in privacy, quiet, dimmed lights, an intimate and loving setting with just you and your partner, and only accompanied by people you feel comfortable with and trust to assist you in this journey, with no interruptions.  While watching this Justin and I felt, once again, so grateful to know that this is the exact setting we're going to be able to have for the birth of Harlee.  Specialists were interviewed and talked about how important it is to NOT have interruptions, and they shared their knowledge about the human body, and how a laboring woman needs to be left to be in her "zone" so that her body can do the work it needs to do.  She needs to be allowed to take her time, and reach her destination at her own pace.  At a hospital, you have constant interruptions, fetal monitoring, questions being asked, your cervix being checked, your vitals being monitored, and for some reason a time limit on everything - some hospitals are a little more lenient with how long a woman is in labor, but some are ready to administer drugs to speed things up after only ten hours!  That seems a bit hasty...  The movie then showed a few hospital births, one that resulted in an epidural and the other resulted in a c-section.  It was so frustrating watching these women just surrender to the doctors.  "Well, the doctor says this is what's best for my baby, and I want to do what's best for my baby."  Did she not once stop to think, wait a minute, I've carried this baby in me for nine months, certainly I'M the only who knows what's best for my baby?  Women aren't given the chance to allow their intuition to do the job it was meant to do, and by God we most certainly have an intuition!  I can't imagine where I'd be if I hadn't been tuned into mine all along...  And we ALL have it!  It's a powerful tool that's going to assist us through the rest of this child's life, why not use it from the very beginning?  That's another thing that frustrated me - we are responsible for the children we carry and raise.  I am responsible for Harlee, as he is my son.  I will see to it that he is fed healthy meals, that he gets proper exercise, that he has clothes on his back and a roof over his head, a tub to bathe in and good role models to learn from.  He is my responsibility from now until the next eighteen years of his life.  Shouldn't I take full responsibility for him in these nine months?  Of course!  I chose not to drink alcohol, I don't mess with drugs anyway but I also avoided any pharmaceutical drugs, I did my best to eat healthy and exercise, and like I said I've been seeing a chiropractor and also getting regular prenatal massages.  Everything I do reflects on him, everything I consume he consumes.  I am directly responsible for his well-being right now as he is growing inside me.  So when he is born, am I not responsible for that critical moment of his life too?  Shouldn't I continue to avoid drugs?  Shouldn't I be completely and totally tuned into my body to know what's best for him and his safe arrival?  This is not the time to relinquish my control of the situation to any "medical professionals" that think they know what's best for me or my child!  Certainly they are good to have there if a complication arises, and I hope to have someone I can trust make the right decisions if I am faced with a complication, but while everything is flowing smoothly, I will labor as long as Harlee needs to make his entrance, I will continue to choose not to put drugs in my body as I did throughout these 9 months with him because he is still part of me and will also feel the effects of those drugs, contrary to most beliefs., and I will make sure he enters into a joyful environment and remains in the safety of his parents' arms immediately after his birth and for as long as he needs to be there afterwards.  I apologize for getting on my soap box about the drug thing, that's probably a controversial subject, but from what I learned I just can't imagine numbing myself at a time when I need these sensory nerves to be functioning at their best!  It's like the doctor on Orgasmic Birth said - if you numbed your feet, and then were expected to walk, it's going to become a very difficult journey for you!  That's exactly what's going on here - you're on a journey, how are you going to reach your destination smoothly if you're numb to the experience?

One last thing.  Now that word is getting out about our decision to have an out-of-hospital birth, a lot of people are asking me and Justin the same questions - "What if something goes wrong?"  Well, if that happens, we'll be transferred to a hospital.  But odds are for us that nothing will go wrong.  Statistics show that when left to have a completely natural birth, only 10% of women have any sort of complications during it that would require a hospital's attention.  But unfortunately those other 90% of women are birthing in hospitals to begin with, where they are constantly being checked, interrupted, asked questions, and due to all of that their labor is slowed down, which then results in doctors wanting to administer drugs to speed things up, and then a vicious cycle has begun, because the drugs to speed things up make everything more painful, and therefore mom wants an epidural, and after so many drugs and so much time, the baby goes into fetal distress and then it's time for an emergency c-section.  Sadly, then, mom and dad say "Oh thank God we were at the hospital, our baby would have died if we hadn't been!" when in fact it was the hospital that created the problem in the first place.  So that being said, I firmly believe we won't have any trouble.  And if I happen to be one of the 10% of women who do wind up with some sort of complication, I will still take full responsibility for the decisions that are made for me and my baby's well-being at the hospital.  As well any mother should.

Alright, I feel good having gotten that out!  I know I can get very opinionated so hopefully nobody takes anything personally - I'm just trying to provide a bit of an education to anyone who is embarking on the beautiful journey of bringing another human life into the world.  And hopefully inspire people to embrace what their bodies are designed to do, and to do it beautifully! :)